Boundaries of Love?

Yesterday, I got to thinking about the idea that, if each of us remains conscious of our own connection to divinity (that is, stays in our place of loving), we will never experience the sense of disconnection from one another that so haunts our experience here. This theory posits that, by knowing our connection to divinity in this way, we will experience and know our connection to the whole of humanity, or to one individual, somehow through this connection to God. In some ways I can understand this. I have had the experience of peace wash over me when, in a room with someone, I suddenly find myself looking at him through the eyes of God, through the eyes of Love. I have experienced occasionally the inner smile that recognizes that the person I am with is God, God expressing some aspect Godself in flesh, God striving, becoming, hurting, loving, being something completely different than me, and yet both of us being part of the same body, each part specialized somehow.

On the other hand, there is something about this imagery that distresses me. In it I image God at the center of the universe, each of us attached, held and drawn by the pull, like planets around the sun, yet each of us in our lonely orbits, never connecting with another planet, except by chance, my only knowledge of another’s existence through this invisible force that goes out from the center to each of us at our axial ends, back to God, out to another end somewhere unseen by me. Painfully, I imaged a wheel, with God at the center, so many spokes but no rim, my only connection to another spoke again via the pathway through the center. I imaged a child’s tinker toy creation, an elementary model of an atom. Then, I imaged the human nervous system, the intricacy of the capillary-like threads of neurons, the millions of axial endpoints, each with a message to deliver. Instantly, I knew this was the image that captured my longing, for I too yearn for synapse. I long for connection that does not have to wind its way back through source in order to be made, no matter how instantaneous that connection seems. I yearn for rims, for Saturn to know that Jupiter exists. I yearn for recognition to light the face of the one with whom I share this space in time.

I believe that this longing is the human experience, that it is somehow built into our very existence. The distinctness, the apparent separateness that we experience here in this physical world somehow necessarily creates this intense longing. So, we are made to desire love and connection….like two oppositely charged ions, we are drawn by our differences and separations to create something new. Why else would we come here, leave the wholeness of our pre-human form, that space where we remember only simply being, only love, only being loved? Why would I not choose to always be a tree, for instance, or the leaf of yesterday’s poem, were it not for this intense need and longing, which is somehow integral to a life of flesh, to connect and be known, so to create? Why would we ever choose to cut off our knowledge of connection to divinity in the first place, only to find it once again? Why do we leave our loving spaces daily and enter into worlds of relativity, duality, polarity? Why choose to enter into this space of suffering …save the intense potential for beauty it contains?

I have been told that as an infant we come here only knowing love, we come completely in our loving space, however, the ones who are here to greet us have left that space of knowing, driven from it by a world of judgment. And so, in our human need to connect, we leave that open space and enter into their narrow way, because they have been too wounded to enter into ours of complete love. And so the cycle goes, the sins of the father, we are born into a world of sin, where persons have forgotten that they are love and loved. And so I, failingly, and at great harm to self, try to be what the world deems as acceptable in order to be loved, in order for connection, very soon forgetting that I am good, that I am love. So the struggle to return to loving begins and, along the path of return somehow miracle and growth occur.

I wonder, if we could live life like the atom, would the same growth of creation still take place? If we could leave all judgment out of our differences, simply notice that you are plus two electrons, and I minus, could we simply get together and make something new? Or is it necessary somehow to our growth in this place for us to label something with a value, only then to come to love that something, which we have valued previously as unworthy? Is that the only way that love can grow?

Yes, this is a world of contrast, of relativity, of polarity and it is good. Perhaps it is only we who have deemed it somehow bad. Yesterday, I looked up the word polarity and its variations (polarize, etc) in my Webster’s. I discovered the most beautiful definition I have ever found. “to cause (as light waves) to vibrate in a definite pattern, to concentrate vibrations of light into one plane, the tendency to develop differently in different directions along an axis, attraction toward a specific direction”. Ah, such beauty that is stuff of life. The light of God, the energy of Love, somehow caused to vibrate into these patterns we call life…each with its unique pattern along the spectrum, all attracted by the source. There is no judgment in this definition. There is no separation, no preferred end, no connotated valuations of positive or negative, life is a continuous stream of energy.

Polarity is not evil, it is merely a part of creation…in both the noun and verb sense of that word. Rather, it is human judgment and interpretations placed upon it that create the burden of pain… the definitions which include “diametrical opposition”, or “to break up into opposing factions” that break us. The labeling myself as different from you because you are purple and I am yellow (black/white, male/female, Buddhist/Christian) disables me from seeing we are connected on the spectrum.

And so I came back to the nervous system again, with its electrically charged network necessary to transmit the message, with polarity an essential requirement of transmission. (I wonder if the positively charged outsides of our neurons argue with the negatively charged insides as to which is better, which is more necessary, which is loved?) My brief excursion into the world of synapses made me quickly understand how scientists become mystics when immersed so deeply in the macrocosms or the microcosms of life, made me understand why Albert Einstein keeps popping up in my readings on the spiritual life. How easy it is to encounter God in science.

Of course, in my need to control, I had purposefully gone there to seek the answer to communing that does not require a backtracking through the source, hoping to find effortless connections between endpoints, searching for understandings of how this leap of faith is made. Yearning to find answers to my pain, I hoped to discover the secret that could make the connection also leap the manmade spaces between us, sought that space of purity where barriers dissolve so that it could reveal its truth to me. Immersed in my hope and fascinated by the mystery of the human body, I got lost inside the world of neurons and captivated by the mind of God. I followed the trail in the same way that I follow the words of a poem as they unfold for me upon the page.

Yes, I found poetry there in the anatomy text. The whole of life it seems to me is poem and I, in the middle of its unfolding, never know what word may come next, what interruption will lead me gracefully off into another direction. Yet, I had so wanted to conclude this poem with the understanding revealed, the one I had purposefully sought to validate, that only when synaptic clefts becomes DEpolarized can the leap of connection be made. Only when the barriers thus become permeable can the message be transmitted. Beautiful poetry!!… based upon my valuation of polarity.

However, that is not the way that life is created and so I was not permitted to stop there, with depolarization. There is a separation necessary, a gap, and an instant repolarization of each endbulb required to safeguard the system. There is a necessary inhibitory response, one that involves hyperpolarization (I wonder, could this relate to the healthy defining of one’s own self as distinctly unique and good?) Sometimes the message comes streaming so continuously that we remain open, facilitated by the repetition (of Love, lets say). But there cannot remain a constant openness to incoming stimuli. Endless stimuli damages, all stimuli (judgment for instance, messages of unworthiness) are not healthy. In other words, discrimination and boundaries, slight separations, are necessary to our wholeness, and are also good.

On Monday of this week, I was sharing with a companion the dis-ease I often experience in the company of persons. I was distressed because I so long to find God within my fellow humans, and to connect with that divinity within them, yet cannot often seem to stay in that place of seeking God, that place of safety that trusts that God is all, that place of loving, when bombarded by all of the other energies I pick up, or when subsequently bombarded by my own internal judgments upon self. My companion queried, “Do you know that you have the right to say “no” to anyone or anything that violates your space”? Of course, she was not only referring to physical space, but to intellectual, emotional, spiritual space, to anybody “telling” me what I should think, feel, believe, etc., how I should be and behave. To anybody sending me messages of judgment or control. She wants me to learn to trust what it is I experience and feel and know, to not believe another’s interpretation or denial of what is there but to listen to the voice of love within.

We discussed that this might be a good thing for me to ask for, this protection, these guardian angels of Love, who will help me to keep out that which is not loving from my space, while allowing me to remain open to connection. Perhaps in leading me to explore the world of neurons, synapses, and interstitial spaces, God was affirming such a boundary as good… permeable to transmissions and connections that are loving, inhibited to those that are not.

And yet, this still confuses me, longing as I am to fully live that which I know, that God exists within all. How to love the wounded God of judgment without letting it in to do harm? For when I do that, I am left with separating out again, what is God and what is not, when I yearn to love all that is!!…God, the wounded rapist and saint. Is loving God this way, the same as loving the wounded man who rapes, but not allowing him to rape you? Does it necessitate putting on the protective mask of my own repolarization perhaps, in the presence of those who would hurl the power of their projected pain at me? Do I really need protection from negative messages, judgments, verbal or energetic, or is there another sort of covering, other than my own repolarizing judgments of differentness that can protect me?

And I am left again at the place where I began this dissertation, back to this sense of disconnection and aloneness, within my own safe and loving connection to God, walking this planet somehow with an invisible beam attached to my being, a beam that surrounds me and loves me, protects me and draws me, but will not allow another in… save through this same beam of Love.

Hmmm, through the beam of Love….perhaps Love is the only shield I need, this shield of Light. Light, after all, is most permeable and penetrable, to all save darkness. If love fills that cleft between us, as both inhibitor and facilitator of message, then what passes through is only what is needed and not will do harm. A self, so secured in Love, cannot allow what is negative from without to discharge what is positive within, changing its own messages to ones of self-harm. A healthy self, secured in Love, can only permit to cross what is beneficial to the whole. A self, secured in Love, expands and grows strong, in its own polarity perhaps, so that eventually the message breaks out across the cleft, inviting others to join it in the space of loving and thus spreads a message of good news.

And so, for now, I guess I will keep working on building that loving shield, the one built on the self-love and acceptance that I experience in my connection with divine loving, try to keep walking centered in that beam of light, not because I believe I will someday feel the connection via that connection through God to another, but because I need to stay there for my healing and my health. I trust that it will someday leap from me, making the connection to another, when it has grown strong and full enough within. I think I understand that mending this disconnection from humanity that I currently feel, this broken synapse, has more to do with changing my own polarity, filling myself from within with the positive message of self-love, than it does protecting myself from people and a world ‘out there’ that I wish would change. Kinda reminds me of those sage words, “Be the change you long to see”. And so I will continue growing in this beam of love that surrounds me and, sooner or later, I will certainly reach out and touch another without going through the middle man.

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