breaking silence

i am lost within the depths of silence, suddenly too deep for me.  it has surrounded, encompassed, overwhelmed even the darkness that is life. until it is all. everything that is lies silent, empty, still…before me, and behind me, and around me. there is nothingness.

emptiness.

 

i reach out my hand. it stretches far into the dark, until i can no longer see. disappearing fingers reach, grasping through the emptiness into the blackness of the pool, striking nothing solid, nothing upon which they can grasp, hold on.  until they too are silenced, a cry yearning to be heard, but rather swallowed, swallowed up by nothingness.

 

here, where there are no words, i can still feel. the futile flailing of a soul, striving not to drown in the vastness that is nothing. yet it makes no sound, simply stirs the yearning, and i wonder what is there that could possibly be stirred. seek a word for its presence. any word. find none.

 

blank, i gaze into their eyes out there, somewhere beyond me. i am lost. i try to form the word. (so that i might be found?) but nothing comes. from nothing comes nothing. perhaps if i could form the scream, somehow gather all the stirrings of this feeling into one, hurl it up and out, out of this vortex that has sucked me deep inside, deep inside this silence. i cannot get out.

 

silence. in this place i am certain that there is no god. in this place where no figments can appear because there is no light. and so no illusive plays on it… rainbows and the like, making me feel safe, protected from reality. here i can construct no greater dark than this, no more powerful silence to overcome my fear, no meaning from this quiet chaos, no omniprescent emptiness. here there is no meaning. here i am simply powerless, caught inside this empty life. alone. adrift. untethered and unheld. as i am and ever shall be.

 

and yet she wants to rear her head, even in this place, silence even this.  no, she will not let me be, exist. for then i might finally, at last, make a noise, become. from the void. and so the silence stronger, vaster, deeper grows. until the distance is too great, the abyss far too deep, for you to see me. hear me. reach me.

 

hurt me.

 

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