lamentations

there is a sad too deep for words. a deep, deep sad. a sad too deep for words to even find, let alone to bathe in comfort or to heal with their corrective sort of medicine. too deep to be released by the impotency of words to grasp it, to reach the rawness of its truth. unspeakable, unnamable, unexplainable, inexpressible. beyond any knowing that can be specified or identified by words. a pain that simply is. without explanation. beyond remediation. perhaps it is the sheer despair of life itself that settles deep into this silent, wordless space. words. words. words. what good are you? always far too inadequate to express, as i, always you come up short. and so i lose myself each day, sifting through these empty letters, feeble combinations, searching for the one that will bring feeling into form so that i might begin to grasp this with my mind, to see it with my eyes, to hear it with my heart. continually i strive to communicate with the pain that lies beyond my ability to name. to speak to it, to hear it, touch it. but no words can ever sink into its depths, they skim across the surface like birds over the ocean, as if their kind is not suitable for diving, not capable of breathing at such depths. as if the pressure would collapse their ability to be. and so i waste my time, day after day, playing on the surface with these words, pretending that i am swimming in the deep, and i wonder if it is all merely distraction, every consonant and vowel. if i were to stop engrossing myself with amusing diversions such as this what monster would i be forced to face. when i lift my pen from the page, my fingers from this keyboard, it opens up to suck me in….when i sense its overwhelming presence drawing me into its nameless, silent pain-filled lair, i pick up the pen. and i wonder, is it to give to it a name or to avoid the ominous and foreboding ‘i don’t know’. and yet this pain, (or is it sad, despair, or neither/all) which is somehow prior to and beyond language, somehow primordial and ineffable at once, is somehow bearable with this pen in my hand. perhaps not bare-able by it, but at least withstandable with it. and yet still, i wonder if that is all i want this life to be, endurable. is this pen, which forms these random words upon this page, in anyway connected through my fingertips to my heart. is there something incoherent flowing from within regardless of the fact that these words express nothing. does the act itself bear a portion of the something that is too menacing, too burdensome to hold within. could this great distraction, these very words, this thing that carries me out, away from this body, take a portion of the pain with them each time? or is it mere addiction, one more way to numb the inescapable pain, which refuses to depart its home in me, which refuses to flow out of me with words because it is wordless. no. it will not be captured on this page. i fool myself believing that so many empty squiggles of my pen can begin to contain it, that it will be so neatly wrapped in a pretty package such as this when it want to be ugly, as it is, unbearable and un bare-able as it is. it will not be revealed this way. it wants to sob, to scream, to be violently rended from this body, but i want its name. and so we are caught in this psychic battle in which we both withhold what the other needs. i yearn for it to show its face so that i can understand this feeling. it wants to sneak out the back door without being seen…. the door which i have locked and bolted to prevent its escape while it ravages my insides. and i cry out to it, ‘just give me a word that i can scream!!’ perhaps then i can let it go. but it refuses to give me even one syllable, not one sound, nothing to express its rage. it is far too primitive for guttural manifestations, far too primitive for even sound itself, and it will not be wrapped up in such civility. “ah, what are you?!! speak to me, give to me your name so that i can let you out?!” and still i write. i write and write, for to stop is to feel you, to feel the force of you, the power of you, the disabling, overwhelming, all-encompassing inundation of your fury. are you fury then? could that be your name? or are you fear? some combination of the two? is there some word for that? terror, maybe. terror, could it be? terror. ferocious terror. and yet that feels too wild a term for that which i sat down to write, this sad that longs to bury me deep beneath its silence. could terror ever be contained by something so mild as this pain? this pain that wracks my heart, my gut, this body that i am, this pain that is compressed beneath this weight of silence. this silent, wordless, laden heaviness that slows me, buries me, immobilizes and paralyzes me. yet somehow it is me who feels so heavy underneath it, as though the burden is not on top of me at all but is within me. as if it is some heavy substance at my core, pressed into such density beneath the sadness and the pain that were it to be released it would explode. is that how fear, fury, terror, whatever the beast must be, can live within me so inertly, so sluggishly, so lifeless and so still. what is this fear that dwells so deep in me? also, i suspect, it is very old, most old indeed, much, much older than the nameless sad that fills me until i can’t move. as if it is the fear of ‘to be’ itself. this ‘to be’ that somehow has annihilated me and that continues to annihilate me each time she comes forth with her request. as if ‘to be’ is too great a fear for me to withstand in this container that i am. life itself is terror for this me. to live is to be annihilated, is to be afflicted and inflicted, is to die a painful death upon your birth. so great a pain is living for this one that she prefers to stay inside, never to be born into this place, never to exist in this lovelessness. and so perhaps i write and write to escape the fate of being, to escape facing this fear of life itself. i write so that i might avoid a birth into a life of pain. and yet, i have been born, and i am here, and i wonder how i survived the womb of my own mother without this pen in my hand. how did i ease my fear? perhaps that one was much braver than i, facing it head on, without these means to distract, divert or numb reality. perhaps that is why i write today, to write what she could not, to release what she once had to bear and contain in her body without help. how much is there? (how did i bear the pain without this release, tiny though it is, like letting out mere wisps of smoke from this fire that rages within me. there can never be enough released this way to put it out, i know, but perhaps i can manage just enough to keep me from exploding from the fear inside that expands into terror with its heat. so perhaps the words are like safety valves, control mechanisms of some sort for pain.what would happen if i stopped? stop offering the vent. what happens when fire is no longer given air? would it suck all the breath from me? would this body that i am, which contains the fury of this fire, be consumed with poisoned gases until at last they put the fire out? and what would be killed by such a stoppage? the terror? or would it be me who slipped into unconsciousness to die to pain at last, back into unawareness of her truth? but then, where would the terror go, would it escape to run rampant in this body that i am? would it finally find its own release, unmanaged by my words? would i feel its fury? …. yes, somehow i know, or do i fear, that if i don’t write it, it will destroy me.) yet, i wonder. if this pen releases any of her pain, the one who bore it all alone without my help. can it ever begin to tell her story, to give words to her terror and lament. lamentations. lamentations. does anybody hear her lamentations? or is her crying in the night like trees falling in the forest? does it matter? does any of it matter? oh, why is my heart breaking so? and why will no words arise from this broken open space? why can none get in? no words to ease her helplessness. no words to offer hope. no words to change her reality. no comfort and no understanding. no love. oh, why must her heart bear so much despair alone? please, words, won’t you come to take some of it away? but there are none. not one. here in this pain there is utter emptiness. the silence and the darkness are complete. a blank space devoid of expression. as if this heartspace’s sole purpose is to contain the infinity of her sorrow and there is room for nothing else. and she screams for me to just shut up!! to stop covering her over with this fluff. to sink into her pain and be with her, just to be with her at last. although i fear that i will drown within her depths, i have no choice. she has been broken open and i have seen too much, known too much, felt too much. although i yearn to sew it shut again to stop this ceaseless flow of pain into the rest of me, i cannot for it will not be recompressed and it fills my entire being with its truth. and there are no words to repair it, or to touch it, or to clear it. i think that i can only hold it inside me. and there is nothing else to do but be.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: