ponderings

1. on communion.

what do i mean when i say that my need to be known cannot be the reason for my
attempts at connection? i have noticed in myself that there is a
line somewhere between honoring and dishonoring my self, and that i cross it
somewhere into my woundedness. what begins as a fullness, a rich connection to
my goodness and my beauty, and a desire to share from that space deteriorates
into a need to be affirmed or approved of. somewhere along that line, i don’t know
where, it shifts, and i move from a place of wholeness and integrity to a place
of brokeness and need, and it is as if all the beauty that i experienced within
myself yesterday dissipates. somewhere along that line in the sharing of
myself, i move from honoring what is present in all its wholeness…wounds and
gifts together… to needing to be seen by the other in order to feel whole. i
feel the difference perhaps more keenly now as i have experienced a level of
sharing of oneself that feels more like deep communion…in this place i am
seen and honored by myself and the other…we know that we are tasting the same
food, breathing the same spirit. this is a new learning for me and i am still
growing into it, but i think it means that as i continue on my inward journey
of healing, growing, coming to know and honor myself and the presence of god
within me more, to accept the love that is always available to me, it will be
less devastating if i am not received or understood by the other, because, as i
heal, the other’s reception of me will have less power to affect my ability to
see myself as valuable.  my desire for connection will be for one of
communion not recognition.

added thought on this re the stove and grasping for nourishment piece. perhaps there is something within me that is touched when i open to my depths, something that is literally starving, something that finds a way out when i allow myself to be opened to such depths by Love, something that is finally receiving some portion….

2. thoughts on the marriage of the wound and god, sorrow and love.

even when i was unaware of it, there was a deep spiritual nature within me, a
great wisdom and knowing, it was simply hidden from my consciousness.
my soul, this deep place where god and me are one, has
been with me, supporting me, leading me, accompanying me, holding me
throughout my life here in this place. i wish to honor that.

i think perhaps it is indeed the awakening to the pain of the wounded child that
also awakens us to presence of something divine. sometimes it seems to me as if
god and these lost parts of self walk hand and hand deep within our interior
landscapes…perhaps this is where god’s presence is most needed when we are
unable to attend to her pain. but when we open to her (the wounded
one)…either because her screams of pain have grown loud enough for us to
hear, or because we are finally in a place of safety where we can finally let
her pain be known, or because some new grief has ripped open a passageway, or
because the birth of our own daughters reminds us of her presence….the
passageway created suddenly allows us entrance to that which is also deeper
within us, and we are compelled to seek and follow the voice that beckons from
this inner terrain. perhaps we cannot yet see it…it is perhaps behind a
mountain, around the bend of a river, deep in the forest…but we can hear its
call. we hear it as a longing for something more, a yearning for wholeness and
connection

because that which we most need to contact and develop within ourselves in order
to heal the wounded inner child is a deep compassion, an indwelling voice of
Love that can be present to her pain, it is perhaps natural that we also
contact and awaken to that within us, which is the source of all Love, which is
Love Itself. perhaps it is a resonance, like so many bells resounding, deeper
and deeper, as our own tiny bell of love begins to ring for ourself, in
response to whatever has moved it, more bells are awakened by the vibrations.
and so our own heart opens out into the depths of soul. as we embrace, we are embraced.

i am wondering if the numbing to the pain we experience, the shutting down to it because it is too great for us to
bear at the time, forces the pain to go deep inside, into hiding, into that inner
landscape to be held there until we are ready? i am also wondering if the
image of god we have (in our head) at the time is inadequate to hold the
intensity of your experience and so we have to abandon it or let it die…let
the pain be held by something greater, something more capable, deep within
ourself. and so our spiritual nature doesn’t leave us, it just leaves our awareness sometimes when it is time to let go of an inadequate god and we have no mental construct or concept to replace it with.

3. advent thoughts

my re-connection to mary this year is to her quiet acceptance that she is bearing within her very flesh something divine, participating somehow in the mystery that is life, and the way she honors that which needs her presence, the way she honors that which is within her.

i am also profoundly moved this season by the vulnerability that is god….a god who is needful of our
reception, needful of our tending, needful of our nourishment, needful of our
presence to bring god to life, needful of our honoring that which is a secret
within us.

4. family shit

whew, this has been harder on me than i supposed. i guess bringing up anything in relation to family brings up alot of shit tangled with it. this one, i imagine, is mixed with feelings of vulnerability and exposure to rejection…..

i realize that the gift-giving behavior is merely a symptom, a reflection of family relationships that never have gone beneath the surface. all the focus upon surface fairness (a looooong tradition) is perhaps really a symptom of not knowing, nor choosing to know, one another on a deeper level.  not that i would expect such continued intimacy as time and distance separates…but that it was never there in the first place. it feels so disconnected…and so must rely upon rules, etc….because there is no connection. this is what we learned tells us we are loved/important….this material gift (even if it doesn’t fit resonate with what is inside of us, even if it is disconnected from who we are, or who the other is), these ‘things’ empty of meaning, this obligation. and yet i also know how, on the other hand, a thing can be filled with meaning and connection and spirit. and the way that gifts can flow from deeper connection.

oh, this is really no different than other expectations based upon name only….phone call obligations because she is mother. nick was commenting to me on the phone yesterday how every time he sees grandma she complains that he never comes to visit….ruining any sense of connection he may have just had with her. he said, ‘if i went to visit her, what would we talk about anyway?….what i’ve been doing the last 20 years of my life? is it my fault that there is no relationship between us?’ he was saying in other words what i am talking about here. there is no relationship, yet the surface trappings of relationship are still demanded….so that everyone can pretend and it can appear that there is relationship.

and so we pass it along to the next generation….this painful substitute of surface things and command behaviors for true relationship.

interestingly, last saturday morning, don and my breakfast conversation turned to approaches to healing. we were discussing behaviorists vs depth healing. he suggested that sometimes changing the behavior can impact the person on deeper levels (of self worth, for instance). i understood this on the holistic level….body/mind are one. on the other hand, if there is no connection between the new behavior and the self, if the new behavior is forced or shame-based, it can further disconnect the person from themselves. for me, from an approach that heals the deeper relationship to self first, life-giving behaviors naturally flow…..in other words, as pertains to my rambling here, meaningful gifts flow naturally back and forth from the depths of healed connected relationships. likewise, behaviors on the surface will reflect it if there is disconnection. that we are asking folks to consider feelings of isolation and exclusion in our current gifting habits perhaps connects them too much with the wound they do not wish to acknowledge.

when this substitute is all you know of love, you will defend it. i remember so vividly how that image was broken wide open for me. you mean this is how love feels? this no expectation of me other than being me? this wanting to hear/ see / know the whole (inside) of me?

some people choose never to go there…this is so hard for me to understand. perhaps they are too defended, too afraid, too closed to themselves. living a disconnected life was a painful existence for me, but perhaps it is not always so. perhaps there is something more to this body/mind/spirit connection. perhaps for some, these surface connections work on a whole being level, and soul is somehow touched, though it is never made conscious.  i do believe that the whole of life is soul-inspired and soul-filled with or without our awareness.  i certainly experience soul in simple, physical, day to day things today, and i am certain that every physical moment of my life here has formed/touched my soul. still, somehow my experience of connection to self and to god (meaning) was painfully missing in my relationship to family. there, i experienced only painful disconnection…to self, to others, to life.

5. on sorrow

i think there is something to this universal sorrow of which i
have spoken. there is a great sadness that we cannot seem to live our lives
deeply connected and open to Love, to ourselves, to one another, to god. the
potential is here, available to us every moment, but so many…others and parts of self… are buried deep beneath the debris of bombardment of fear that is life. we keep our deepest and most precious selves protected, hidden….the self that is so vulnerable to wounding and the self that is so capable of Love are somehow united in that place. connection cannot occur on the surface with
frightened, wounded folks, but i do trust that underneath we are all one, and i
seek to relate to that one even if only in silence. i am learning that my
own need to be known/received by the other cannot be the reason for my attempts
to connect, nor will i ever truly receive from the other what i must give to
myself…knowing, honoring and loving the whole of me. this is no easy task and
sometimes i have to gather my kicking, screaming, starving child away from the stove when
she is desperately hungry to taste of its perceived nourishment. my adult self
is just beginning to learn that it is ok to do so…to pay attention to the
first burning sensation when the other devalues the part of myself i have
revealed and stop her from going back for more in her attempts at nurture.
instead, i can give her something to eat.

 

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