i am humbled. i am humbled by this understanding that has come flooding
 over me with this recent breaking of the dam. could it be that by looking
 long, intently, willingly at her suffering and pain, i have at long last
 found the elusive face of christ. as god chooses to become human, to
 express god’s self in this physical creation that i am, that we are, does
 god somehow become intertwined so intimately with this flesh that we
 release and realize divinity itself only when we seek and heal the wounded, only when
 we embrace and reclaim the wounded one with whom god is so endeared and
 entwined? is it only then that resurrection and re-union can occur….this
 two becoming one, two separate selves, the outer shell and the inner
 wounded, the disconnected flesh and the hidden spirit?

 how is it that Spirit and the wound somehow become one, and so we walk for
 so many years disconnected from them both? is it that she (the wounded
 one) requires so much more love that the scales were tipped for all this
 time in her favor. rejoice oh highly favored daughter? is it there that
 love rushed in…literally….to bathe the wound with loving and thus to
 inseminate this christ child within me, this one who was growing deep
 within and unbeknownst by me? until the stirring of her pain, the pressing
 of her growing presence, forced me into the painful labor of my own birth?

 and this day as i look into this mirror, i cry out, oh god, oh god, have
 you always been there, in the face of this one so full of sorrow, in these
 eyes so filled with self-contempt. were you there, inside, beseeching me
 to look? for all this time i have been afraid to touch her pain, afraid to
 feel the enormity of her suffering, afraid to gaze upon the face of christ
 upon the cross in my own mirror, and so i could not find Love? all this
 while those sorrowful eyes have been your own, this suffering your pain.

 and in that moment standing face to face with you at last, in that moment
 of surrender, as i passed through the mirror into you, did we become one
 again…the lost me intact with the walking me, your Spirit conjoined with
 my flesh, no longer left behind within that mirror when i turned away. now
 i can carry her and god within me, consciously inside of me, is this the
 promise? is this what the monastic’s mean by carrying your cell with you?
 that what you find within, You in wholeness and completeness, is now
 capable of walking on this miracle of earth, gazing out upon the world
 with love, seeking beauty within the wounded christ that is trapped within
 the other. no longer needing to be seen, only to see.

 to love what is difficult to love leads to god every time, whether that
 difficult thing is within or without…it is always there that god is
 waiting, and it is there that we meet god, somehow both embracing the
 wound and wounded by it, waiting to be healed and to be released. it is
 there within the wound that god’s preference is to be, for it is there
 that love is most required in our absence, and it is there that love finds
 the greatest nurture for its growth.

 in gazing now upon the cross, even as i gaze into this mirror, i am not
 engaging in some self-abusive punishment for sin, but i am filled to
 overflowing with compassion rather than self-hatred, for i am gazing upon
 the struggle and suffering of humankind stamped upon my face, stamped upon
 the face of God, and oh how i am filled with love for her, for all that
 She has borne for me. for ALL that she has led me through, for her
 patience and her wisdom and her strength. i gaze upon a God who loves and
 wants to set me free and a God who yearns to be set free, as one. and i
 fall in love with God all over again

 oh god you willingly take on the mantle of humanity each and every day,
 and bear this suffering along with us because you are truly one with us.
 we never are alone. it is only in my separateness that i believed this,
 only when i believed that the one within the mirror wasn’t me, that i
 believed that God and me were not one, that i believed there ever was a
 separate me to be alone at all.

 and i fall in love with humanity….for in the face of all humanity now i
 see the christ, divine beings willing to become human, to partake of the
 painful nurture of this grand experiment of life, in order to grow Love.
 how brave a people we are on one hand, and yet how assured of love and
 connection we must truly be within the far reaches of our consciousness
 that we would not fear, how certain of our oneness with what Is that we
 would unquestioningly take this journey into life. it baffles me that we
 do not glow, that the distance in our consciousness can become so great
 that we forget that we are but creatures for a time, sent to bear the
 light.

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