on dreams of babes and books

there is pain. there is joy. both are part of the beautiful seamless garment

that is life/that is Love/that is God. yes. my vulnerability opens me to the

terrible beauty of it all. somehow i know that without pain i do not know
love, i am not whole, and i am judging my experience rather than loving it,
loving the source of it. somehow closing to pain, restricts me, makes me
less than i am to be. and somehow i know that somehow yearning for a life
without it causes me to be dissatisfied, and closes me to love, keeps my
soul from growing. ‘to be human means to be vulnerable’. i seek to embrace
this journey of humanity.

i look at jesus own willingness to be open, vulnerable, to risk being known
and betrayed, to be intimate with others, to be intimate with life, to be
intimate with God, and i see the beauty of his soul.

i do mourn that my own mother was/is unable to be intimate with me, to be
vulnerable to love and to life, to receive my vulnerability. i mourn for her

sake….and yet even in my mourning i hope to stay out of judgment,
presuming that my way is somehow the right path. i trust that god is also
with and within her and her path, wholly, and i must love that. accept that,

see it as best i can without the cloud of judgment that my pain can create.
i hope to let go of my desire for her to be what i need her to be and love
her where she is…. if that means letting her go literally, so be it. it
may be the most loving thing that i can do. to let her die….to let the
image that i want her to be die. to release her. to release myself to honor
the gift that she has been to my journey here. how can i mourn for
myself…when i know my life is beauty? when i honor the journey my soul has

undertaken?

still there are so many infants struggling for life, for breath, so much
crying stifled, silent screaming, so much movement restricted, and i wonder
if there is not more wailing within me that needs to be unbound, some
unswaddling freedom to be, some releasing, some letting myself be
human….some compassion for self. perhaps my dream is telling me (in the
bathroom part) that i need to be unafraid to release these waste
products…even to do so in front of others where i might not look so
pretty…..that even the ugliness of release is acceptable, a necessary part

of my soul-tending, of my healing and growth. perhaps i need to stop
sterilizing it….

i wonder about the letters falling off of the library….my storehouse of
knowledge. i wonder what is crumbling there. what is to be gathered and
carried, what must be let go of in order to enter a true place of healing.

i did a little reading on the art of bonsai. thank you for sharing with me
that when you think of a bonsai tree you think of something ancient and full

of wisdom. of course, i have been drawn to things eastern for some
time….(i was gifted with a zen sand garden for christmas.) i am assuming
my subconscious knows i would seek out the meaning in this….this is what i

discovered. yes. i do see myself in this.

“Bonsai is centred on the principle of “heaven and earth in one container”.
Three forces come together in a good bonsai: truth, essence and beauty.
Bonsai are meant to evoke the essential spirit of the plant. The artform may

be derived from the practice of transporting medicinal plants in containers
by healers….
To simulate age and maturity in a bonsai, techniques called Jin and Shari
can be used. Jin is done by removing the bark in an area of a large branch
or the trunk, while Shari is the stripping off of an entire branch. These
techniques simulate scarring by nature and limbs being torn off. Care must
be taken when employing these techniques, because these areas are prone to
infection, and removal of too much bark will result in losing all growth
above that area. Also bark must never be removed in a complete ring around
the trunk as it will cut off all water and nutrient flow above that
ring……Contrary to popular belief, bonsai are not suited for indoor
culture, and if kept indoors will most likely die…..Some trees require
protection from the elements in winter and the techniques used will depend
on how well the tree is adapted to the climate. During overwintering,
temperate species are allowed to enter dormancy but care must be taken with
deciduous plants to prevent them from breaking dormancy too early’.

christmas is hard. today with my own children also in its own ways. so many
seeking love and affirmation, hoping for connection, yearning to know
themselves as valued and received. it is hard for one such as me to not feel

it all. to have compassion for it all. to not feel the pain and believe
myself to be responsible for it all. to not feel pulled and drawn in a
hundred directions by it all, to not try to fix it all…..

to let it be love.

i am weary this evening.

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