holy of holies

hebrews 9

Love, when at first you came to me and i to you, it was through the blessings of your created things, icons of the mystery that is You…each one endowed, invested, with something of your Beauty, something of your Wonder, something of your Love. I learned to know YOu through these portals of communion, around which i constructed my reality, this place where i could see You, touch You, trust You. And Love, what a sacred place this was, this place where i at last could see that you lived among your people (and creatures and things). Here i discovered a light that would never go out!, by which i coudl see your presence with my always. Here was the nurture for which my Love-starved spirit craved. Here were the treasures revealed to me at last.

But Love you invited me to go deeper…behind the veil of covering that is creation, deeper into my own sacred spaces, to a place where Your presence whispered like the sweet smelling incense that hints at the unseen mystery of You. Beyond all created things, alone, I came to You, and You offered again a sweet nurture, that i cannot name nor explain. Here YOu opened my treasure and showed me the truth of who I am, and that who I am is pleasurable to You. You showed me the truths that were inscribed on my heart, so that i would no longer treat myself with disdain and dishonor. And YOu invited me to receive and to welcome guardians of my sacred container. Love, it was here that You met me with Your most tender mercy, Your most gentle touch, Your deep Compassion.

However, all were not welcome here. There were those who would desecrate this holy place, treading across its treasures, trampling its beauty, ransacking the bedsheets of our wedding bed, because they could not see what was hidden by the veil. To those who could not see it, it remained hidden, closed. ……..

Indeed, there was only One, even of me, who could truly honor this space, and who should’ve been permitted to enter. And even I catch glimpses of it rarely, when i have cleansed myself of thoughts and feelings of unworthiness and pain, when i have opened myself to the deeper reality of my beauty.

There is a Holy One, an old soul, a lover, in me who knows the way to enter this place. She leads me, carrying the others on her breast, who have forgotten their beauty, the others who believe themselves unworthy, whose wounds make them believe they are not loved, are not also sacred. Each part of me, she carries. Perhaps there are 12 of them, like the 12 tribes of old, and she bears them in the order in which they were born in me….rejection, starvation, shame, fear, self-blame, self-punishment, regret, abuse, heartache, grief, self-hatred, self-doubt…and more i cannot name. She carries them all and lays them on the altar of mercy. And YOu love them, receiving their pain, turning it into blessing.

So, while I clung to these things….these created things that had revealed something of You to me; this construction of reality and meaning to which i clung to so as not to be swept away by the chaos; the parcels of nurture and sustenance which had kept me alive; temples which had become dwelling places of the sacred for me, that had nurtured me, wombed me, protected me; all that i had constructed to survive my pain–self-image, image of You, meaning of Life, icons that had become idols, love that had become Love….i could not be in communion with YOu. And i could not be whole as long as i believed i needed to deny or kill of parts of myself.  The temples…even those that had once been life-giving… had to crumble, had to die, had to be sacrificed, surrendered, let go of, so that i might be free to live, and You might live more fully in me.

The presence of Yourself in me, loving me, birthing me, seeing through me, being through me, filling me, becoming me…this is the invitation. This is the work i am invited to begin, this work that is not work at all but is instead surrender, letting go, letting you Be in me. Your presence is the temple i am invited now to enter, even as You have let go of, surrendered, your glory to be present in me.

Love, is this the sacrifice You make? This letting go to simply Be who You are in us? Yes. YOur blood is so much more powerful a sacrifice…it brings LIFE as it surges through our veins. YOur life force flowing through humanity! My awareness of Your presence makes me walk into life with a passion, leads me away from those things that would harm me, wound my spirit, blind me to Your beauty once again.

I wonder if the Presence of You within me, which has been with me all along, indeed did agree to be buried, to go underground for a time, in order to rescue those lost parts of me…the parts i had deemed unacceptable, unworthy to entertain the Holy, the parts i denied or killed off because of the pain they caused me to feel, these precious, gifted parts of me who somehow needed Christ’s Presence…the Loving essence that is You within me to bring them back to life.

Is this the Paschal mystery of life? You need to die in me, be buried in me, so that You might be born in me again, bringing with You resurrected parts of myself….so that Your promis to my body and soul to accompany and inhabit it here on earth might be kept. This promise that cannot be kept until after the promise maker has died? How strange is this thought….How strange that we must forget before we remember, and that nothing can be forgiven until we let go of our belief that we are unforgiveable.

The curtain of the holy of holies is rent when at last….in the heaven that is here and now, or wherever, whenever heaven opens its secrets to me…and I recognize that Love is always present to me, wherever/whenever I am. Whenever I recognize that Love is present in me regardless of teh place that I stand. Whenever I realize that nothing can desecrate my holy of holies at all, that I carry it with me. It is safeguarded by the same Love that it bears….even, especially, when it is not seen by another created thing at all…..

But Love you invited me to go deeper…behind the veil of covering that is creation, deeper into my own sacred spaces, to a place where Your presence whispered like the sweet smelling incense that hints at the unseen mystery of You. Beyond all created things, alone, I came to You, and You offered again a sweet nurture, that i cannot name nor explain. Here YOu opened my treasure and showed me the truth of who I am, and that who I am is pleasurable to You. You showed me the truths that were inscribed on my heart, so that i would no longer treat myself with disdain and dishonor. And YOu invited me to receive and to welcome guardians of my sacred container. Love, it was here that You met me with Your most tender mercy, Your most gentle touch, Your deep Compassion.

However, all were not welcome here. There were those who would desecrate this holy place, treading across its treasures, trampling its beauty, ransacking the bedsheets of our wedding bed, because they could not see what was hidden by the veil. To those who could not see it, it remained hidden, closed. ……..

Indeed, there was only One, even of me, who could truly honor this space, and who should’ve been permitted to enter. And even I catch glimpses of it rarely, when i have cleansed myself of thoughts and feelings of unworthiness and pain, when i have opened myself to the deeper reality of my beauty.

There is a Holy One, an old soul, a lover, in me who knows the way to enter this place. She leads me, carrying the others on her breast, who have forgotten their beauty, the others who believe themselves unworthy, whose wounds make them believe they are not loved, are not also sacred. Each part of me, she carries. Perhaps there are 12 of them, like the 12 tribes of old, and she bears them in the order in which they were born in me….rejection, starvation, shame, fear, self-blame, self-punishment, regret, abuse, heartache, grief, self-hatred, self-doubt…and more i cannot name. She carries them all and lays them on the altar of mercy. And YOu love them, receiving their pain, turning it into blessing.

So, while I clung to these things….these created things that had revealed something of You to me; this construction of reality and meaning to which i clung to so as not to be swept away by the chaos; the parcels of nurture and sustenance which had kept me alive; temples which had become dwelling places of the sacred for me, that had nurtured me, wombed me, protected me; all that i had constructed to survive my pain–self-image, image of You, meaning of Life, icons that had become idols, love that had become Love….i could not be in communion with YOu. And i could not be whole as long as i believed i needed to deny or kill of parts of myself.  The temples…even those that had once been life-giving… had to crumble, had to die, had to be sacrificed, surrendered, let go of, so that i might be free to live, and You might live more fully in me.

The presence of Yourself in me, loving me, birthing me, seeing through me, being through me, filling me, becoming me…this is the invitation. This is the work i am invited to begin, this work that is not work at all but is instead surrender, letting go, letting you Be in me. Your presence is the temple i am invited now to enter, even as You have let go of, surrendered, your glory to be present in me.

Love, is this the sacrifice You make? This letting go to simply Be who You are in us? Yes. YOur blood is so much more powerful a sacrifice…it brings LIFE as it surges through our veins. YOur life force flowing through humanity! My awareness of Your presence makes me walk into life with a passion, leads me away from those things that would harm me, wound my spirit, blind me to Your beauty once again.

I wonder if the Presence of You within me, which has been with me all along, indeed did agree to be buried, to go underground for a time, in order to rescue those lost parts of me…the parts i had deemed unacceptable, unworthy to entertain the Holy, the parts i denied or killed off because of the pain they caused me to feel, these precious, gifted parts of me who somehow needed Christ’s Presence…the Loving essence that is You within me to bring them back to life.

Is this the Paschal mystery of life? You need to die in me, be buried in me, so that You might be born in me again, bringing with You resurrected parts of myself….so that Your promis to my body and soul to accompany and inhabit it here on earth might be kept. This promise that cannot be kept until after the promise maker has died? How strange is this thought….How strange that we must forget before we remember, and that nothing can be forgiven until we let go of our belief that we are unforgiveable.

The curtain of the holy of holies is rent when at last….in the heaven that is here and now, or wherever, whenever heaven opens its secrets to me…and I recognize that Love is always present to me, wherever/whenever I am. Whenever I recognize that Love is present in me regardless of teh place that I stand. Whenever I realize that nothing can desecrate my holy of holies at all, that I carry it with me. It is safeguarded by the same Love that it bears….even, especially, when it is not seen by another created thing at all…..

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