running headlong into Love

this is a different kind of running, isnt’ it, this running headlong into God.

sometimes i notice myself running frantically about on the surface, in what i have recognized in myself as a hyper-vigilant fear (whether that is my trying to be certain that i am safe by saying/doing/acting in the ‘right’ way, or a making certain that others feel
‘safe’ with me by being the ‘right’ way with them). when i catch myself running
like this, the call for me is to let go, ‘turn around’ and run headlong into these
loving arms.

it is so simple really, and yet so easy to forget. as if i am just
temporarily focusing my attention on the wrong thing…my fear, my sense of
inadequacy, my emptiness, failure, suffering, etc…when i need only turn
around to receive the embrace of love that is always present for me. receive
the gaze of love that reminds me of God’s deep appreciation and breathtaking
compassion for that which i am bearing in the name of Love here in this place.
to accept the embrace of the Beloved despite my protestations of unworthiness.

it is like a re-membering who i am and whose i am in these moments of
embrace.  a re-membering to the part of myself, the divine Christ within,
from which i have disconnected. a re-turning home, to my roots and my
origins in Love. yes.

this is about living in the resurrection. oh how we deny the truth of the
resurrection of jesus by not discovering ourselves somewhere in it with him.
it’s as if instead we are too often like mary in the garden wanting to cling to
the old pain, an old way of being, unable to see the gift of life that is standing before us, or like the apostles on the road to emmaus unable to see the presence of Love walking right
here, right now in this place with us. if we can learn nothing else from the
crucifixion/resurrection, this is it …to always look for the surprising gift in
our suffering….the awakening of compassion or understanding, an even closer
relationship to Love, the growth of soul, the movement into union with God. how
is it that those very places in our lives that are most painful seem to break us open to love….both in the receiving of
it and the giving of it. these places where we let go of perfection and allow
ourselves to be whole….wholly loved, wholly human, wholly in the image of
god.

yet another understanding i am recently experiencing in regards to those loving
arms is this. i have frequently found myself having exposed
too much (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) and feeling quite vulnerable,
especially when such exposure is met by unappreciative, not-understanding,
rejecting or even violating eyes. i often wish i could just erect some rigid
barrier for protection. i often wish that i could simply hide. but alas, that
is not to be my way. i suspect that the Hands of Life have forged this vessel
that i am in precisely this way for a reason. i am an open vessel. i have been
told that my vulnerability is my strength, although that does not for a moment
seem to change the sometimes excruciating pain and shame i experience when
exposed. i imagine jesus felt this way on his particular cross. this shame
makes me want a cower like eve in the garden, this inappropriate feeling about
who i am, which is not at all God’s desire for me.

here is where the resurrection arms again reach out for me. what exactly is the
gift in this particular way of being human that i am? this is where i am being
called to hear God’s voice calling me in the garden, lovingly searching me out
to remind me of my innate beauty….as if beseeching, ‘oh no, you didn’t eat
that fruit of the lie that told you you were evil?!”

here again then are the arms that i can run to, arms that encircle, flowing
softly down about me to surround me in a veil of Love. this is the only
protection that i need….Love. not a hiding, nor a covering, but a warm
enfolding presence, which keeps me safe from those who do not understand. then i need not change at all who i am, nor must i change the other or their perspective of me, nor need
i control what it is that they see or believe..about me, or about God, the One
i love. my own eyes, through this veil of love, perceive the other only with
compassion.

i imagine it was like this when jesus reached out to his own God from the cross.
his own suffering transformed into compassion….

all is well,
vicki (emma)

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. pbsweeney
    Feb 24, 2008 @ 11:28:22

    What a wonderful piece of writing; open and rich. Thank you for posting this.

    Salaams,
    Patricia

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: