today, i wonder


i wonder.

about this Love that keeps coming round to break my heart. this One who never ceases in its persistent urgings. this One who desires so much of me, the whole of me.  this Wholly Holiness that requests that i open to embrace it all.  all that is placed before me,  known and unknown, understood and imcomprehensible, suffering and joy.

but Love, it is only You. You who suffer, in and with. You, who challenge me to tenderness in Your vast array of faces and of masks, of colors and of darkness and of light.

challenge me to tenderness….. to compassion….to embrace.

challenge—“to call or summons to engage in a contest of strength”.

how strong is my heart? You ask.  how much will i love? YOu ask. can you love even this? YOu ask.

oh Love, i yearn to love You wholly, to Know the whole of You.. i know that i am incomplete, unfinished, and divided til i do…. and that your longing likewise is unsatified. your longing for me… to be your Lover, to be your Love, to Be. Your Becoming. our Union is not complete.

 and so each day You approach the canvas that i am and dabble a stroke of ‘who am i’ upon the surface of my life. and it flows through me, like this blood that courses through my heart, its coolness or its heat pulsing in the pause between my inhalation and my exhalation. between my resistance and my yes. between the opening and the embrace, the tightness and the letting go.

and, Love You are warmed within me. filled with the freshness that i am, as i am filled with You.  

sometimes i am most certain that i will one day explode, and all of this,  that is You and I, will pour out across the land, for i am certain that this little i that i am cannot begin to contain the Whole of You.  i wonder at that overflowing, Love, i wonder at the boundlessness of it! the Oneness of it, the flowing, fluid, quality of it.  how will that happen in this body, bounded as i am.  oh Love, can we possibly Be united – body, soul – in this way.  this way i feel so viscerally here in this moment, You exploding in my heart. 

Love, where am i in this flow, this flow that feels so overwhelming, flowing from my heart, as i feel Love in this moment here with you? i am no longer,  yet I am.  completely, wholly me. you. Us. there is no me, and yet i am.  overflowing Love, flowing outward, onward. this feels no different to me than this me that i experience here in these moments with you.  the bounded, rigid parts of me dissolved, flowing into You.

Love,  here and now, i am content, in this body that i am. i am that open frame for You, the one You showed to me. may You flow in all your colors through the open space that i am , through the open space that is my heart, as i inhale/exhale my way through this life. may this body that i am, beautiful container, be an open channel for your Love,  receiving You ( may it not be so much a receiving so that i will be filled, but a receiving so that You will be received, my Love) , overflowing You.  

Love, may this feeling of flowing simply be my Be.

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