something has been stirring mightily and settling deeply in me over this last while.
something wanting to be heard and acknowledged. something yearning to be recoginized and known.

unitive awareness is the phrase a wise mentor used to describe this lingering movement in me.

oneness. wholeness. there seems to be this ‘tying together’, unifying, taking place
in me.

the question is perhaps now ‘how do i live this?’, ‘how does this continue to inform my being’. i suppose that is where the hearing of the ‘beating of my own heart’ from my retreat eve poem comes in, honoring that listening to it is also ‘listening to
the heartbeat of god’. these too are one and the same. my heart beats
in sacred rhthym with the pulse of creation, in sacred rhythm with the heartbeat of god.

still. what about the no’s ….and the yeses. the so-strong ‘no’, the closing of doors that was 2 months ago….the powerful ‘yes’ to life of last month’s closing retreat. is there also unity there?

there was a powerful saying ‘yes’ to being whole that was a part of the ‘no’, i heard it clearly in the silence. wholeness was what i was seeking in that ‘no’.  even, paradoxically, as there is a saying ‘yes’ to being broken that is this current ‘yes’. and both are in agreement in their saying ‘yes’ to life.
is fear then a part of my wholeness…the profane aspect of me that i also must
include if i am to embrace the brokenness of my humanity from which new
creation springs and love becomes?

or is perhaps my ‘no’ in truth saying ‘yes’ to who i am, being true to who i
am by not saying ‘yes’ to places where i percieve the whole of me is not allowed to show
up or will not be honored. …and so i shy away from people pleasing places and
external expectations that try to squeeze the whole of me into a box, or slice off some
piece that is not so pretty so that i can fit.

and yet…is there such a place external to myself where the whole of me is truly welcome and invited, or is it true what i intuited last month that it is about ME choosing
to take the whole of me with me…not leave some part behind as not-right, or
not-enough. i am, after all is said and done, the biggest perpetrator of the
silencing and the judging of me. and is the shying away merely being afraid of
being chipped or broken out there.

but is this ‘yes’ to life not necessarily about jumping in to the external, nor
into places where i have felt the need to say ‘no’? rather, is it about saying ‘yes’ to who i am, wherever and however i am in this human body and experience called life.

the sense yesterday was that the ‘yes’ was deeper than the ‘no’. that the ‘no’
was to the surface experiences of life, which i am free to choose or not, but
that the ‘yes’ was to the experience of life itself, deep within the choices on
the surface. for whether or not i say ‘yes’ or i say ‘no’ to any one particular
experience, i am still somehow saying ‘yes’ to life, because my surface
choices, either way, will always lead me deeper into life, into experiences of
brokenness and wholemaking, of darkness and greening, whichever way i go.

and so, are the ‘no’ and the ‘yes’ one? as are the sacred and the profane, the
wound and the womb of wisdom. is the pulling back and inside the same as saying
‘yes’ to life, to my one precious life? is the saying ‘yes’ to being broken the
same as saying yes to being whole?

and what of my vulnerability? again and again i come upon the truth that i can
be authentic in no other way. certainly, when i am covering up i am being
authentic to the feeling of fear and protection that is also me. so even here,
i can’t resort to a black and white place of being authentic or not. but the
truth is that i am a vulnerable human being, my nature is to be open, to bare
myself even in places where it may not be so ‘wise’ for me to do so (that is,
according the ‘wound VS wisdom’ understanding that still wants to believe that
wisdom equates with safety and protection and not the willingness to being broken that
is the birthplace of true wisdom). it seems  i simply cannot seem to stop this
taking off my clothes and revealing, opening myself. it is who i am.  i hope
to listen to this heartbeat, to follow god’s lead, the One who in Wisdom opens
Self to being broken moment by moment,

my vulnerability is my strength.
profane and sacred.

all is well,

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