letter to my lover

ro,

i have been remembering this morning the portion of our wedding ceremony where we spoke of honoring the spiritual journey that we were choosing to travel with one another, where we stated our intention to consciously choose this path of marriage, trusting in the presence of God to go with us there. i don’t have the pages here in front of me, but i recall the passage of scripture. it goes something like this

3 ways are mysterious to me
4 i cannot understand
the way of the eagle in the sky
the way of the snake on the rock
the way of a ship on the sea
and the way of a man with a woman

these vows are meaningful to me and i recommitt myself to them, and to you, and mostly to trusting in the presence of God deep within them and within our joined lives, moving us, growing us, inviting us, calling us forth through the love that we share.

i deeply appreciate your attending to what you noticed in me the other night. i’m sorry we did not have more time to explore. i do miss those conversations with you. friday nights and saturday morning breakfasts have been lost somehow…

anyway, this feeling you noticed has been with me for some time now. i have also been aware that the flip side of my ‘lack of passion’ is a deep passion for
‘something more’. the feeling of emptiness is a longing for fullness. i have
suggested that it is like a voice just over my right shoulder, a voice
whispering its discontent and desire all at once, nudging me to embrace
something….

what i want to say here to you is this. you have not taken from me anything. a life in the convent is not more holy, nor more filled with the presence of god, than a life journeyed in marriage. my choice to be on this journey with you was and is my desire and my vow. i honor the promise god made to me, saying ‘yes’ i’ll go with you there. the three of us can dance, there is room enough.

my desire for intentional community, which melanie and i dreamed of during our lunch on tuesday, is perhaps simply a desire for intentionality, for attentiveness, for depth.  i do wish to be more intentional about attending to the Presence, to honoring it in the mundane. that is my work, i suppose, consecrating each moment, no matter what i ‘do’.  perhaps that is part of what i mean by living a soulful existence, that turn of phrase that so confused you.

oh perhaps i do ‘think too much’, as bob once said, but i simply cannot ‘go
through the motions’ of life. there must be meaning for me. there must be god for me.

sometimes i do wonder who i am. often, in truth. i wonder if there is some
specific gift which i am to bring forth. i remember the girl i once was, who
believed she had been whispered to by god that she was like mary, and was going to give birth to the next jesus…. and so the voice over my shoulder has been with me for so very long. it just is frequently drowned out. how am i called to give birth to god in this place? what is the gift that i bear for the world? what does it look like?

maybe it will become evident someday… but i think likely not, at least not to
me. perhaps others see it, perhaps i give it already. i don’t know. i do know i
won’t find it anywhere ‘out there’. i will find it ‘right here’ .

no, i needn’t jump ship to find the ocean. i am swimming in it. with you.

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