driving the car

i have a sense that i am in the midst of transition, much like a mother in the
transition stage of childbirth. it has been a painful time in some ways and i
truly cannot yet see the new life that is being born in me.

i am nearing the end of the active stage of mothering, my husband is nearing
retirement, and i am wondering what this new life might look like. sometimes
the fear is overwhelming, as my husband’s imaginings and my deepest desire
often don’t feel very congruent, and i worry about being swept off into a life
again, not of my (conscious) choosing.

and yet i really have no anchor, no deep sense of self or of call that keeps me
from being carried along. one ‘good’ moment in the past several months was a moment when i ‘lost control’ (hmmm) with my husband and son in the car and i forced my husband (physically) to stop the car and let me out. at the time i was feeling unheard, diminished, misunderstood and misrepresented by my teenaged son.

as i think on this instance today (then, i was totally shocked, and then guilty, at my wild loss of control, as were my husband and son) i can see it is a metaphor for my life at the time. if i look at the scenario as i would a dream, with someone else ‘driving the car’, i can see the total sense of groundlessness/anchorlessness that i was experiencing, and there was something in me rising to claim her own authentic self….

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