quiet at last

my summer and early fall has been, once again, a time of increasing external
distraction and being pulled up from my sense of god in the depths. i notice
this each year, the way in which my summers are so very difficult for
me to stay connected to my self. at times, i can honor that this connectedness to others is also a very important part me, and obviously deeply valuable or i wouldn’t so often choose it over time alone when presented with the option.  still, i am aware that at least some of the choosing is a wounded choosing.

this is the first i have sat at the computer, praying and listening, like this for months. alas, even the computer can become just one more distraction as i am more likely to find myself surfing the news, reading quite fascinating articles and history, but not listening to myself, especially during times when i am otherwise distracted.

its as if i try to fill the sense of emptiness with noise, or quiet the nagging voice over my shoulder by drowning it out. summers are always a time of taking in (reading, etc), not listening, hmmmm, of trying to stuff the emptiness.

it also seems as if something in me is very ‘all or nothing’. in other words, if
i can’t have the spaciousness to completely go inward i can’t seem to move in
that direction at all. and it seems the space to turn inwards is
just so hard to find unless i am completely alone. i obviously have not yet
learned to value the being available to the quiet whisper within as much as being (all too readily) available to the seeming ‘urgencies’ without. what i am trying to say here is that everyone else comes first and its a long line 🙂

alas, i find myself with some quiet today. my body simply said ‘enough’ and i am sick…just enough to put me on the couch but not enough to knock me out. oh, the wisdom of the body….

my daughter finally feels moved out, at least for now.  i spent some time in her apartment last week, helping her to settle in and build the nest, so to
speak.  so this is the first week i have some alone time in many, many
months….that is , alone time enough to follow the call inward long and far
enough to reach my self.

interestingly, a lost friend (the same one whom i quoted above) called for breakfast the day after i returned from philadelphia. and we have been walking mornings since. but what i am noticing this morning, since my body said ‘no’ to the walk, is the opportunity for spaciousness that i simply gave away to her need (or was it also mine…).

 i have found the walks to be a place where she can process aloud to a listening heart. yes. something in her is stirring awake….as is something in me. oh the mirror!

i have been searching for something to fill my nagging sense of emptiness of
late (politics, etc), and that was part of my yes to her, i suppose. a boredom, a space to fill, a wanting something to fill my days. but also community, mutuality, real connectivity, sharing.

i am hearing so clearly this morning in these moments of quiet at last, that the fullness for which i yearn is found within. the voice, pleaing for that ‘something more’ in my ear, which i has been nagging me for so
many months is quiet at last this morning.

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