grief and belovedness

dear all,

 i lost a very dear friend, mentor, counselor, a lover of my soul this winter.

i thank you for the space  to simply be, and to simply be with what is.

i write this morning simply for a listening ear. i write to hear myself.  i write because i suppose i need a receptacle willing to receive.  i write to receive myself.  may i be that ‘willing one’ for myself.

i wonder if the heart of god is not truly that receptive one, that my heart might pour the
contents of its experience, all that it sees and feels in this place of such intensity, into it for holding. and yet… i suppose this is the secret of secrets…. i am also called in this place to be the Receptive One. and these two receptacles are indeed One. it is me in the end who must finally receive myself and in that receiving of myself, that turning inward, find God there waiting for me. again. and it is God who begs to be received in that which my eyes see, gazing outward at the desolation, and god in the deep well within which my heart lies echoing its despair, longing to be known as Love.

oh…my heart is so full.
the snow geese fill the sky outside my window all morning long, returning.
the hawk sits atop the willow for but a moment, preying for a meal.
these two live in me.

this weekend, in the retreat i named, ‘re-membering our belovedness, a deepening re-union’, i think i expected/hoped to be brought ‘back’ to that place of blessing, that place of ‘behold my beloved, in whom i am well pleased’, to reclaim what was, to escape my current pain by remembering some previous blessing. not that exactly, but that is the best i can describe it. perhaps it was more like wanting some memory to hold onto in the midst of desolation. of course, in the end, i was re-membered in a different way.

but there is no clinging to the old allowed. old ways of escaping pain no longer valid. no metaphor upon which to cling as a raft to rise above and skim across these dark depths. no image. no great theological idea or analysis. i am being given nothing, no escape, no consolation, no companion, no momentary relief.

i am profoundly alone and there is no running from that. oh god. I AM. ALONE. and yet, (no ‘but’ here, this is indeed an ‘and’) in surrendering at last to it, that there is truly no one who can enter this place with me, no one now who can see me, whose eyes i can use as a beacon for the crossing, i must learn to see in the dark. i must learn to trust my own eyes. in this place of being unknown, i am being invited to receive the gift of knowing myself, of trusting in my own knowing, and of Knowing Love for myself. there is no one can give that to me.

oh god, the grief is so strong. the aloneness so palpable. at times i cry out to her…..

and God is here in the dark.

i realize i have known no other who has loved me as she did, who has honored me as she did, who has gazed upon and seen me as she did. how i fell into my depths with her and found her swimming there with me. it was as if she stood behind my eyes and saw through them and i, turning to see myself, through hers.

and now i am called to be One.

no longer can she carry for me. no longer can she carry me. it is me who must carry myself. and it is my body who must carry her.


we are not two. (we never were) we are One. the Beloved is in me. the Beloved is me.

a flash of understanding came. an understanding of why i saw the body of my dead child in that painful moment of ‘looking’. both of these female souls i had given some part of myself to carry, my hope, my love, my pain, my darkness and my light, some part of my wholeness. so in their loss, i lost some part of myself. it is time to gather them in.

it is time to be alone.

no one else can hold for me what is mine to hold. to honor and obey. to love and
to cherish. perhaps this is my betrothal to the Beloved in me.

oh god. the screaming within as she (the child) was torn from me. the deadening
silence afterward. no one could join me there either. no one could understand
the loss. and now i weep as i could not then when my pain was trapped within
the blankness of the stare. oh god, how i weep. i weep for my aloneness then,
which was an aloneness utterly bereft of belovedness.

the image i have now is a wanting to go lie down upon the graves of those baby
girls, to lie face down upon the earth, my heart close and draw them back into
my body. yes. i can feel that. hearkening back……

this is a ‘no longer a wanting to get rid of’. this whole piece is a ‘no longer
wanting to get rid of’, isnt’ it?  a fuller embrace, a feeling fully, a being
more fully with what is…pain and darkness and death included in that embrace
of life. no wonder my heart feels so full that each tiny new piece added feels
as if it is too much to hold.

o Beloved. how you pursue me. relentless is Your pursuit. there is no place to
hide from you. in my most profound aloneness you are there calling me deeper
into You. in this stripping of all that brings me comfort, the One i find naked
standing there is You. only You, until Love is all that remains for me to cling
to. Belovedness.

o. it is as if my heart is so big and so small at once.
so close, so full, that it seemingly spills over the top,
so far down in the darkness that its call is as if from a deep well, beseeching
me to dive and swim in its black water, bathe in it, let its silky dark carress
my skin and awaken my flesh to its depths.
this surface bubbling over is but the echo…

all is well,

ps. this morning, i did a google search with the words ‘aloneness’ and
‘beloved’, knowing there was some ‘connection’ between the two, wanting to hear
what others have noticed about it.

i came upon these 2 poems…the only 2 poems on this particular page. what surprised me was the first with its expression of the embrace of the shadow, so strong has this call been for me, to somehow witness the ugliness and feel the anguish of it, and hear the call to love.

what i hadn’t ‘connected’ was that the full embrace of dark and light into oneself, into one’s loving, into wholeness and the experience of ALONENESS were part of the same path….


I am one with all things
– in beauty, in ugliness, for whatsoever is
– there I am.
Not only in virtue but in sin too I am a partner,
and not only heaven but hell too is mine.
Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tzu – it is easy to be their heir,
but Ghengis, Taimur, and Hitler?
They are also within me!
No, not half – I am the whole of mankind!
Whatsoever is man’s is mine
– flowers and thorns, darkness as well as light,
and if nectar is mine, whose is poison?
Nectar and poison – both are mine.

Whoever experiences this I call religious,
for only the anguish of such experience
can revolutionize life on earth.


An authentically religious man is an individual.
He is alone, and in his aloneness there is great beauty, great splendor.
I teach you that aloneness.
I teach you the beauty, and the grandeur, and the fragrance of aloneness.
In your aloneness you will reach to the heights of Everest.
In your aloneness you will be able to touch the farthest star.
In your aloneness you will blossom to your total potential.

Remain authentically true to your Self

Don’t betray yourself.

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kim G.
    Mar 12, 2009 @ 21:04:26

    Dear Vicki,

    I feel your pain in your latest blog writing. Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of what appears to have been a very important person in your life. God bless.




    • emmaatlast
      Mar 13, 2009 @ 14:29:45

      hi kim

      thank you for your expression of compassion. yes. she was a very beloved person and i grieve the loss of her in my physical life. last night, she came to me in my dream….

      kim, do i know you?




  2. Carolyn Masters
    Mar 13, 2009 @ 11:05:30

    Dear Vicki,
    Your willingness to feel your grief so deeply and share the experience through words prepares the way for me to enter the dark spaces alone. I may be by myself in my grief but if I add one letter to the word alone, I become all one with you and all others who in grieving express our full humanity.

    Carolyn M.



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