islands of longing

Last month, I dreamed you, there on that ridge trail, lined with young hemlock, wanting to know you somehow, wanting you to know me.

Last evening, I danced. With a group of seekers, walking in circles round a center, like rumi round his pole, I was invited to imagine the past spread out before me — those who came before leaving leaving footprints for me to follow– a trail of sorts blazed for me. I was likewise invited to envision the future, spreading out behind me. You are there somewhere, great-granddaughter of mine.

These days I am filled with a longing — perhaps to leave something of myself here in this place. I think it is not ego that drives this urgency in me, though I suppose perhaps it could be. Fear of dyding is perhaps an ego thing after all.

But it is not really so much a fear of dying, but a fear of not having truly lived, which haunts my soul. I yearn for my life to have meaning in some way.

I ponder the Mary Oliver line “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life”

Sometimes the thought of spending the rest of my days in seemingly mindless, purposeless fashion, willy-nilly following the whims of another, unable to stay any course i set for myself — a life of aimless wandering and following — feels despairing to me.

To have a paddling partner this autumn, who was willing to let me set our course, was exactly the medicine I needed. I needed to feel the power of that in my body, enfleshed. To choose my own way.

I close my eyes now. Imagine that not-so-distant shore. It really is close. Why do I keep circling that island? What draws me from my course.

You, perhaps are part of that distraction (or, perhaps you are the island?) Relationship is so important to me, it is difficult to define myself on an island perhaps.

I have been thinking alot of the Dream of the Blue Dress. There is some wisdom in it for me, of that I am certain. Something I am seeking permission to wear. I have read that a dress may represent my feminine self, my feminine wisdom, ‘the feminine’, and that the color blue has to do with ‘divine wisdom’, truth, etc. Add to that the ‘royalness’ of the color in my dream and I am brought to ideas of the Divine Feminine, like those images of Mary, donning the cloak of divinity atop the red dress of earth, bearing something of God into this place.

I also think of the throat chakra when I ponder the color blue — giving voice. Yes, so much of my yearning seems to be clearly about expressing who I am into being, expressing my creative self into the world in some meaningful way (expressing my needs, i might add)

Beyond that, I know that I look stunning in Royal Blue (smile) . As it once highlighted the darkness of my hair and blue eyes, it now makes my eyes ‘pop’ from beneath my mantle of silver and gray.

Ah, so wearing the blue dress helps my eyes to be seen in some way. Helps me to see or be seen in some way, values my way of seeing. What do I need to see? What do I need to share of my vision?

….AND , I feel beautiful in the dress. That is perhaps true to my longin as well, to feel beautiful — not merely in a physical way– but to know my life, my days, my journey, as beautiful, contributing to Beauty here.

…and I cannot bear the thought of living these next 40 years of my life, given over to meaninglessness… to following another’s star in endless circles around that island to which i am drawn..

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