what i will become

for D

for some time now, as you know, i have been looking forward to the ‘what next’ in my one wild and precious life. I’ve been writing about it here since at least august of 2010, aware that I am in the midst of that great sacred process of dying and being reborn, making that dangerous and exhilarating passage through transition to birth. I have known that the journey would require leaving some things behind… things that wouldn’t fit through that blessed, constricted passage to new life… and i have trusted that, as in all tunnels of light, i would likely be unable to see what lies beyond until i landed there, wailing and wet.

like a woman in the throes of a long, arduous labor, during which the stage of transition is most intense, these last months have felt most exhausting and frustrating with no end in sight. still, i trust that birth is likely imminent at just the time I feel ready to give up.  the wise woman in me knows this.

give up. hmm. it is interesting that these words show up.

give up.


in other words, let go.

there has been much letting go asked of me. letting go of my own attachments to self-image and fear of self-judgment none the least. letting go, i have realized, is just as necessary in the process of birthing the self as it is in the process of childbirth. opening is so much more difficult without it.

several months back, the idea of the double helix strands of dna came rushing to the forefront of my imagination, as my search for ‘what next’ seemed to be taking form in a multitude of potential wo-manifestations. somedays, i felt as if i were stepping into and out of some cosmic dressing room, where i would try on new clothes to see how i felt wearing them. did i feel like beauty, strength, wisdom, adventure, joy, or perhaps hope in each respective garb?  it felt like a willy-nilly way of choosing a life until those 4 rna proteins came to inform me. suddenly, i understood the vast array of potentials i might express utilizing the same basic building blocks, which seemed to be essential —  the essence of who I am.

i identified those 4 as

being close to/connected with the earth and Her beauty

living a creative/expressive life of meaning

being involved in the healing of something

nurturing meaningful relationships/community

and still, i floundered. while a grace-filled approach, full of mystery and wonder, it seemed that this way of searching opened the door to vastness itself, it was too big an image.  there are simply(?) too many places in which those qualities might be expressed. just look out the window and witness for yourself the vast array.

then the other day, i watched this videotalk by cancer researcher, mina bissel, on how it is that cells organize themselves into different forms when they each contain the same set of instructions from dna. seems it has to do with the external environment in more ways than we once thought.. the extracellular matrix, which we once believed was inert, somehow informs the cells to organize in certain ways, provides an architecture, so to speak, in which those cells might take shape. i suppose that it matters a lot – what kind of space i am born into- to what i will become, after all. how these potentials, this essence of me, takes shape.

in this search for home, of course,  i have been reading and learning a lot about architecture, the way a well-designed space invites feelings of safety, warmth, welcome, openness, intimacy, harmony, inspiration….  this afternoon i pulled the ‘not so big life, making room for what really matters’, by architect sarah susanka from my bookshelf.  in it she reminds me of the importance of welcoming entryways, of having a light to walk towards, points of focus, interior views as well as exterior ones, alignment, reflective surfaces, and balance in crafting a life of meaning…..

this morning i received such rich nurture and wisdom from a young woman, with whom i have been journeying  for so many years through her own rite of passage.  she reminded me that, of course, it matters the home into which we are born, the shape we might take. witnessing her recent full blossom, in an environment that provided just the right architecture for her particular beauty, was like being present at the birth of a child. i was filled with wonder and awe, tears and deep joy.  clearly, her essence, expressed through her particular line-up of gifts, is being fulfilled in the place she has landed. and though her needs might have been met in some ways in other places and spaces, the fullness of her being has come forth in such a beautiful, vital way in this one, amazingly so, even unexpectedly so.

i pray for that kind of landing in me, though, like her, i realize i just can’t know beforehand, or control the outcome.  it seems that organic processes still are best, the most nourishing after all. and so, the free fall of yesterday’s post …. in trust, towards that light, unknowing and hopeful, wailing and wet.

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