Hello 2014

yin yang turtle

It has been long since I’ve written here. This has been a year of much internal awareness and reckoning, a seeking to see myself more honestly. This too is part of the great turn of the wheel of my life, I expect, this shifting to see from a new perspective, which has required a great letting go of the old… old perspectives, old priorities, old understandings of value and worth and of what it means to live a life of meaning.

Much of this awareness came forth in a great opening this summer through which I was given a Great Glimpse (is that an oxymoron?) of the way in which my strivings/people-pleasing actions (fear/judgment based) had placed themselves smack in the way of my deepest desire to be a loving presence in the world (love based). I finally saw that great boulder of anxiety for what it was, the way it was blocking the flow of goodness and compassion and peace.

I won’t belabor the entire year’s worth of growth and letting-go-harvest here. Perhaps in days to come, more will emerge for sharing, if the call to write here returns. What I came to share here today is this idea of One Word.

The practice of choosing a word for the year is not new. It’s really a form of lectio, listening to the ‘text’ of your life for the word that arises, rather than the text of a particular sacred writing. I’ve practiced it with the online Abbey of the Arts some years too. This year I’m joining the women from She Loves. Of course, there are lots of resolutions this time of the year, but can you distill yours down to the deeper hope that lies within them?

My word, ‘integrity’, came instantly for me this year. I’m longing to live congruently, from the inside out, where I respond to life from my deeper self…which is good, which is loving, which is wise, which is peaceful, which is creative….rather than react to external situations, demands, fear, (and fear of judgment). I hope to bring myself along with me into my days.

Likewise, I hope to trust in the goodness within the externals, to allow them into my life, to meet and receive them as a lover, in order that something new might be implanted, nurtured, and birthed in me, something necessary which I might bring forth into the world. Yes, trusting in the integrity of life to bring its own gifts forth is part of the practice too.

Once, I saw this desire in the image of the turtle, this taking my self , and my home, along with me. However, the image that expresses this new awareness today is more like the yin/yang symbol, specifically the line where the inner and outer meet, that place of tension that requires both sides to express fully, both resisting and yielding, a place where great beauty flows.

Part of that fullness, I’ve relearned since my great revelation of the summer, is that I must be dedicated to this filling… and refilling. Awareness, in and of itself, is not enough. I must nurture the place within from which I desire to flow if I am to keep the channel of grace open, keep that boulder of anxiety from accumulating debris. As Mark Nepo states, I must ‘ meet the outer world with (my) inner world or existence will crush me. This is a law as real as gravity. If I don’t assume my space, the rest of life will fill me completely the way water fills a hole”.

Each time I let go of my practice of nurturing the quiet space within me – the place from which I desire to flow into the world – I quickly find my world in chaos again. I lose my integrity. I become reactive, resentful, overwhelmed, and most sadly unloving. Somehow this understanding has completely shifted the need for self-nurture from one of selfish clinging to ‘what about me?’, to honoring the loving presence I long to be in the world for others.

My word, integrity, came instantly for me. How about you?

all is well,
vicki

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Carolyn
    Jan 01, 2014 @ 14:54:27

    Vicki, I have chosen the word passion, an emotion I have not considered until this first day of 2014. I intend to live as the beautiful person I am with enthusiasm, appetite and zest.

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  2. Anonymous
    Jan 02, 2014 @ 15:37:09

    Welcome Home, Vicki! I have missed reading your posts! It is so nice to see you are writing again! I really appreciate and benefit from your writing. I sincerely mean that.
    This is year 3 for me engaging in the “Ask for a word” Practice. Last year I worked with “Enough” and the year before I selected “Essence.” Another word beginning with the letter e has found me for 2014: “Embrace.” I want to embrace the whole of myself…to accept all the components of who I AM and to stop mentally beating myself up my imperfections or lack of grace. I love your writing because you have the gift of putting into words what it is I experience: Your last paragraph perfectly sums up how I feel at times! All I want is to be a loving presence, yet I get in my own way. As I work with the word “embrace” this year, I plan to visualize a warm, bright, loving light totally enfolding, enveloping, and embracing me.
    Continued blessings to you!

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