standing on the edge of something

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These late winter days, it seems so close to the surface, it takes but the tiniest crack to expose it, and out rears this irritated, resentful, overwhelmed one. Perhaps ‘close to the surface’ is an inaccurate way of describing it, as if it is something small that has floated up to be seen… or to test the conduciveness of the environment up here….when it feels so much larger than that, and heavier, levianthan-like, rising, displacing calm waters (or were they only ice covered ones and so imagined to be still?). It seems then to swallow me whole, possessing me entirely, though I wonder about this seemingly smaller part of me that watches it happen, helpless to its ravaging, but standing bravely next to it nonetheless.

Sometimes I imagine it to be like an overgrown tumor, filling my belly like a pregnancy. Or something akin to those alien insertions, taking over my body; it feels that foreign to me, to my concept of self. If I see it as something foreign to me… an enemy, an invader, a malignancy—do I then seek to irradicate it, destroy it, zap it with chemical warfare now that the bandaid no longer suffices? Will that approach offer any real healing, if the conditions in which it has overgrown remain? And, if this underwater yearning for More is the prime milieu, dare I risk its destruction.  What if the silencing of that yearning is precisely what has given it the space to grow?

I simply don’t know. It is times like this that I earnestly wish Wisdom wasn’t so fond of paradox.

And so the only thing I know to do for now is to love it. When it rises to rear its ugly head, love it for the pain it is ex-pressing.  As best as I can, stand as bravely as I can with this seemingly small part of me that fears being inundated by the tidal wave it unleashes, and bear witness to that terrible beauty…

washed ashore

….

Now I think of the pearl, grown large around some small irritation, and I wonder, does the pearl itself feel like an irritation to the oyster in the end?  Is this huge feeling in me in truth a pearl of great price? If I cut it out then, do I risk tossing aside the precious gem it contains?

Last autumn’s dream of pregnant fullness, of the heavy over-ripeness of time, a dream that recurs often for me, returns now to my awareness. At this ripe time in my life, I have, perhaps erroneously, understood this universal post-menopausal woman’s dream to indicate an impending birth of my own unique self into the world, a new way of expressing my more-authentic being that is a departure from the old – separate from the role I have played, a severance and an individuation, as births tend to be.  Yes, that understanding has necessarily included a casting aside of the old.

But what if…

What if the call is more to embrace than to cast aside this child of my life. What if the birthing is one of a new way of being in relationship to the life I have, not at all a break from it but a loving-witnessing nurture of it. When a child is born, she comes forth to be seen, to be loved, to be fed, to be mirrored as good. Perhaps this hugeness that I feel is the impending birth of a larger soul, one that can love even this resentful, sorrowful, heart-broken, tormented, raging, frightened, far-from-home self.

And so the pendulum swings,

from longing to contentedness,

from deep desire to profound peace

from yearning for More to Loving what is

from dark Mystery to enlightened Understanding

and so it goes, and so it goes, back and forth, to and fro

Where is the place of balance at the center? Will this tug and pull always be with me? Is stillness even possible, or preferable, here in this physical world, where light is both wave and particle?? Where the ocean is calm at its depths and turbulent on the surface, one body of water circling down to those far quiet reaches to rise up in mountainous waves with deep plunging valleys.

Can I reframe the tug and pull as both/and.  Befriend my fierce longing as terribly beautiful. And might that act of befriending/beloveding be itself the hidden treasure, the pearl of great price, growing a heart big enough to hold it all.

cliff

 

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pat
    Mar 10, 2015 @ 15:10:56

    The Edge is always the movement towards the new Center…I hear a Call to fully Embrace, Welcome, and Love that beautiful, gifted, creative, Pearl of a Child within. After nurturing our children into adulthood, I think sometimes the post-menopausal call is a return back inward to fully love and embrace the shamed and unseen parts of our childhood selves.

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. Tammy
    Mar 11, 2015 @ 11:25:31

    I am witnessing women and men of various adult ages, myself included, at this time experiencing this, so it has me wondering if it isn’t just part of this great turning we are all in together. There have been times when I am offering Reiki to someone or just sitting in stillness when I have literally had my body rocking back and forth as a pendulum, and given “the message” that a pendulum is exactly what it is I am experiencing. I recently started reading the book “Sustainable Happiness” and the first line of the first chapter sank into me “We come into this world naked with nothing to count on but love”. Cheers for love at this time and always.

    Liked by 1 person

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