algonquin 2015 autumn 081I once had a thousand desires. But in my one desire to know you all else melted away. -Rumi

I have often felt completely unfocussed in my life. My interests are varied, I read a broad range of subjects , I have a basic knowledge of a lot of things, and I can grow weary of doing the same thing for too long. And so I write, and then I paddle, and then I garden, and then I read, and then photograph, and then I build, and then I observe….. I need to be alone, I yearn for conversation, I want to merely witness, I long to fully participate.

Frankly, I can appear to be quite flaky, and I have tended to perceive myself as ineffective and undisciplined. I once read an article about the nature of ‘the gift’, which reinforced this negative self-concept of not-good-enoughness for me. In it, I was reminded that persons with a real gift will sacrifice other loves in order to devote themselves fully to a singular goal, practicing that one thing for hours and hours a day, years on end, on the way to becoming prodigious. I folded that article into a neat square and wedged it into my heart, where it has felt like a dull ache ever since, an ache I have mistaken for yearning. Believing that I was lacking, I have been searching in vain for that one thing that would sweep me into such rapture that I would be captivated enough by it for it to stick.

However, this morning, a snippet of a note, which I took from a different article I’d read 5 years ago, surfaced. In that note, I had jotted down the reminder that creativity thrives in such a wide-reaching and scattered brain as mine, and listed examples of the eclectic interests of a various artists, such as Rodin and Thoreau.  Their hunger for knowledge and passion for life fueled their artististic souls. Funny how that article didn’t settle so deeply in my psyche.

I recall once seeing a sign in a house that read something like, ‘Chaos is next to godliness’. The celts understood this wildness of god as fertilizing the waters of life, where more traditional readings of Genesis (the creation of something new) picture this creative force as brooding over the chaos to draw forth life (visible forms and corporal beauties).  The universe is brimming with potential. I also understand this creative force, which somehow synthesizes beauty out of this vast array, as Something Sacred…and something sacred within me. A more concrete metaphor that particularly appeals to me was offered by Meister Eckhart in the 13th century. When asked what God does all day, Eckhart’s reply was, ‘God lies all day in a maternity bed like a woman giving birth’.

Earlier this year I was asked to give one name to describe myself. In an instant I replied ‘curious’! The expression, ‘rapt curiosity’, applies. Could this then be the rapture that I have so sought?  Curiosity is, for me, I suppose, akin to passion. It leads me directly to joy. Often I am so excited, sometimes awed, by what I discover, that I simply fall in love. The earth is so breathtakingly, intricately wonder-full and the realization of that does enter my being in a visceral way.

As so happens with any act of love-making, these millions of seeds of wonder enter my womb in such moments of rapture, where in secret, this phenomenal body of mine synthesizes what it receives, and conceives something out of the chaos. The connections that fire within me as one fragment of an idea or an experience merges with another are pure ecstasy. (1. a rapturous delight. 2. a frenzy of poetic inspiration).  As a creative being, perhaps my true calling and my gift is to take in all of this wonder, brooding over it not unlike the Sacred Something, and in my own small way, give birth to and make visible something beautiful and utterly brand new.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Mar 23, 2016 @ 20:18:12

    One of the many reasons I love you so very much.



  2. Anonymous
    Mar 23, 2016 @ 20:25:55

    Another of many reasons why I love you so very much…



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