sweet darkness?

What is this place? 

This newfound feeling of surrender – could it be healthy relinquishment? Or is it merely giving up? How can a body know?, when each new terrain that a human being treads is previously unchartered territory. I look around and wonder if this is simply what life looks like here, how it feels to be across this threshold, like reaching the summit…

and seeing a desert landscape on the other side.

From this vantage point, I turn to witness the passion of youth, so full of dreams and ideals, and I smile, though it feels like a façade, behind which there lies doubt. I feign because I don’t wish to despoil their hope. It is their time to plot and plan, to imagine and create. 

Perhaps I am simply weary, because if I test this new feeling of surrender, it’s not quite contentment that I am experiencing. It feels more like defeat, as if having hit too many walls, I no longer have the ambition to push back nor the energy to climb. The burning that filled my being even 6 months ago, is suddenly extinguished as if from a flood of rain.

Is this what it feels like to let go? Of attachment. Of desire. Of need. Of longing.

I wonder if vibrance also departs with those. Somehow, in the movement from doing to being, from household to forest, I expected that joy would deepen.

Perhaps THIS is how a body knows then that she has not arrived, for vitality sings of her health. 

Perhaps I have taken the wrong path.

 

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.The dark will be your womb
tonight.The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free inGive up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learnanything or anyone
that does not bring you aliveis too small for you.– “Sweet Darkness” by David Whyte, House of Belonging

 

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