when god is gone, everything is holy

once upon a time, i was in deep despair. grief upon grief had broken me and i was uncertain i could go on in a life that promised only more of the same. those were both harrowing and hallowed days…months… years. what became of me during that time, i cannot fully explain. at the time, it felt like something outside of me surrounded and infused me with Love each time i was at the end of that proverbial rope, the noose round my neck, ready to step off of the chair.

sometimes it was a light so warm and bright that it completely suffused me. sometimes it was a more physical sort of love-making, my body responding as if touched.  sometimes it was small gifts of wonder, upon wonder, upon wonder, saving my life.  sometimes it was words spoken in a dream, a voice awakening me to a life in which i was ‘bound to beauty’. sometimes it was the feeling of being held by a Love that received me with such an encompassing embrace that I understood that such a Love simply could never leave me abandoned in a desolate place without hope.

along the way I healed, bit by bit, and fell in Love with life again. fear of this life, and of that one, released its hold.

i don’t know exactly what That was. at the time, it felt like God to me. it certainly felt like something outside of myself, like i could not have conjured such things.  but now, i don’t know, perhaps the human spirit is more creative than we give it credit. in the end, it doesn’t matter to me what it was.

gradually, along the way, that Other disappeared from my life. not that the feeling of life being precious was gone, but that the sacredness of life was now diffused across the whole of the earth, permeating it all. this was not an entirely new awareness or way of being for me, but was more like a return to who i was, to who I had always been, and to what i had always known, as if it was that painful rupture, which had momentarily made me forget and deny life’s inherent goodness and innate beauty. what the intensity of that excruciating time perhaps gifted to me, however, was the awareness that even the terrible is beautiful, even the horrific holy. the crown of thorns is a basket of flowers. no separation. anywhere. ever.

the earth has always been a sacred place to me, particularly the natural world. the sacredness i experience in an unmanned place is exquisite. human beings can make that understanding more problematic. we hurt one another deeply.  and yet, i have also returned to that deeper knowing,  which in the child is named as naïve but in the mature adult is wisdom, that we humans are also innately divine. good. blessed. Love.

sometimes i miss those years of God loving me, that feeling of Belovedness.  it can be hard to feel as if one is cared for in a world where humans hurt one another deeply. it can be hard to feel seen, held, beloved by . it can be hard to know how to pray when there is no one ‘out’ there.

when there is no separation.

between the holy

i am the seer, the holder, the lover.

i am the One that is needed

the reciprocality for which i  long must come from the other seers, holders, lovers in this place – human and nonhuman alike. animal and plant, water and air, sound and touch – in a world where everything is God and there is no thing Other.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. kidfriendlyyoga
    Apr 15, 2018 @ 12:02:58

    Amen!

    Like

    Reply

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