my soul in silence waits – day 3- waiting

Day 3 – Waiting

Waiting is such a present centered posture, even as one could also imagine it being forward facing, for the preposition that so often follows the verb ‘to wait’ is ‘for’, as if what one is waiting for is not yet here and now. Still, this posture is not necessarily one of high-expectancy , but of patience, quiet and calm. Hope can be an aspect of it, but hope is qualitatively different than expectation. More and more, I am understanding Hope as something other than ‘Hope for’. It stands alone, grounded in the present, a standing posture not a movement. A posture filled with peace, full of light. A way of being.  ‘To wait’ is to be centered in that Hope, to live quietly without undue urgency or worry, without expending undue energy upon fear. To wait is to breathe, to breathe is to live, to live is to BE.

To Be Love. Love, in this place of sorrow and joy, grief and delight, despair and peace. Love in it all.

Oh perhaps I am being blind, denying my own human frailty, and perhaps tomorrow, being human as I am, or next week, or next year, I will, gazing backwards, scoff at such ‘sentiments’ as these, being caught in some story at that time (oh, but that is not at all fair to diminish a potential reality such as despair or rage or grief as a ‘story’), some experience of being human in which Hope – or even waiting for Hope – feels like the work of fools. But it would also be wrong for me to diminish this place where I stand so firmly rooted in Peace as a blind sentiment, or some anesthetic of sorts. And so, I am a content to be a Holy Fool.

I wonder at this seeming resurgence of ‘Who I Am’, which seems to be reclaiming me as much as I am proclaiming Her, for I can also recall that, along with the innate sense of the innate Goodness of Humanity, which has been with me since I was a child despite life experiences that could have taught me otherwise, the word ‘patient’ is also a descriptor that was often used to describe me during those active motherhood years of my life. “You’re so ‘calm’.” Perhaps it goes along with the quiet demeanor of an introverted nature- this projection and perception by others of patience in me.

And yet, turning around to look back, I can see how I seemed to lose touch with this natural way of being, lost hold of its tethering root, over these last 10-20 years or so of my life. It seems that perhaps with the divorce, and then as my children left the nest, the safety I hadn’t realized that I experienced in them was lost, their unquestionable love for me no longer an irrefutable constant as I was somehow pulled off orbit.  I have faltered over this past decade, throughout this transitional time, to know that I am loved and lovable, sought desperately to find my footing in that, yearning to be seen as Good, seeking to prove my worth.  Love was no longer involuntary, it felt like it needed to be earned. 

This has been the work of a decade- to uncover this root of Goodness within me and to reground myself in it,  to let go of grasping for its validation outside of myself, to let go of my fears of rejection and abandonment, to trust in this Who I Am. The move has been from external to internal.

And so perhaps this is why this feeling of being pregnant—expectant? – with Hope. This child in my womb cannot desert me, for it is not separate from me, and will be entirely something new. This morning’s reading also explored the metaphor of waiting during pregnancy. The author recalled having crossed off each day on a desk calendar, not in a ‘counting down the days’ kind of a way, but in a marking the passage, an intention of being present to each day with wonder, a sense of mystery, deep joy and awareness.

And so, that is where I shall stand.

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